I will never tidy again

Warning - this blog contains the rudest most foul four letter word you will ever read, you have been warned.

Last sunday, I paid a trip to our local sweedish mega store. All I wanted was a cheap computer desk for a new computer so that me and Mrs B could work on our computers at the same time and be comfy. The desk I use from the same store would do just fine so off I set on my 50 mile round trip to retail hell. BUT when I got there my desk had been discontinued and replaced by a very similar style desk called Goliat priced at a reasonable £39.90. Into the car it when along with the obligatory tea lights etc and home I went.

Putting the thing together was the usual fun (let's face it assembly is the most enjoyment you can get from this tat). So far so good.

Tonight I decide to set up the new computer. Guess what? It won't fit into the space specifically designed for a a computer in a computer desk!

Bollocks - it will have to go back. I telephone customer services and my call is taken by the lovely Hannah.

Sorry she says, but we can only refund 70% of the cost as it has been assembled. (ah ha, so 30% of the value is in the assembly).
Then she finds out that I am a TIDY person and have thrown away the receipt - well in that case you can try and take it back to the store and see if they will help you, but if you have no proof of purchase........the unspoken words "you could throw yourself on the mercy of one of my gormless co-workers" scream triumphantly down the line at me.

I have the damn desk! But the irascible Hannah has a come back - Lots of our goods are sold on e-bay.

But Hannah the desk is not fit for purpose as it won't take a computer and it is sold as a computer desk.

But sir the measurements are available.

Only for the overall dimentions - not the computer space.

But sir there are tape measures available in store. You should have measured it. (As if anyone would think to do that).

I am at a loss. I bid her goodnight and turn to my blog.

Do check your computer size before buying a computer desk from IKEA (the worst four letter word I can think of) as Swedish computers are obviously smaller than ours - a bit like the intellect of their designers.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year to you all.

What do you think of it all then? Me, I long for the carefree happy days of my yoof, down the pub, a bit crowded but OK. A few drinks, a few snogs and off home to sleep it off. Nowadays, you have to book in advance if you want to go to the pub and buy a ticket (buffet included!) for £20. You can't avoid it either as there will be fireworks at midnight to wake you from your slumber.

As for Christmas.....I'm not a fan of it. Don't get me wrong here, I love the IDEA of Christmas, but the reality somehow never stacks up. You see, it's all about enjoying yourself, and if you are not enjoying yourself, then there is something wrong. BUT, in order for some people to have what they want, other people have to give up what they want. For example if my parents want us to go on Christmas Day, then Mrs Bs parents can't have the day with us as well. So some get and some don't. I am a soft pushover really, so I always end up compromising on what I want to do so other people can have what they want. Therefore it is my fault I don't enjoy Christmas.

I would like to go away for Christmas - somewhere hot and sunny, but that will never happen as too many other people insist we have Christmas right here.

I did get my mate to come over for Christmas, and he brought his imaginary dog Tippy. Tippy is only just continent so requires lots of walks. A great strategy which worked really well and will be used again.

Anyway, don't wish to moan on about it and it's over now for the next 8 months. Check out the supermarket shelves next August if you don't believe me!

(PS Pounce then!)

I have done it again. It was Mrs B birthday recently and so we had a quiet night in with a few friends.

It was a work night.

We drank (I don't know how many but at least) 8 bottle between 5 of us and ended up playing a stupid board game which revealed that I am a gossip, my mate was not enjoying himself (he left shortly afterwards) one of our guests had a thing about her bum etc. It was all bit bit out of hand really.

The next day at work was bad.

I was mildly hung over having stuck to one kind of alcohol, but I did feel rough.

I fessed up to one of my colleagues and she told me that "Well you do look shit" (she calls a spade a spade), would you like me to put some blusher on you to help?" She was not joking and in fact was reaching for her bag!!

I looked at her moderately made-up face and noticed that the slap she was wearing was not the glittery kind - Was I wavering?

"No thanks", I replied, "my make-up days are long gone"

Chew on that.

Cars and Music

Last Friday Mrs B decided to visit her mate in nearby Roughton. When she returned to the car it had been hit by a truck driver and quite badly smacked-up. Drivable, but illegal. Fortunately, the folk round here are honest and the driver had left a note on the windscreen (thank you!) to say who he was etc.

So on Friday afternoon I spent ages trying to sort it out with my insurance company. A hire car was organised and delivered on Saturday morning, and the repairing garage was to contact me. They didn't. So on Tuesday I rang my insurers to chase them up. I was put through to the motor claims dept and onto hold while they looked for my file. While I was on hold they kindly played me some music as most places do these days. The claims dept of a large motor insurance company decided that it would be a good choice to play something by "The Cars" and what better choice than their best known song "Who's Going To Drive You Home?".

Whose idea was this? For me it was inspired, but had the circumstances be a bit different, it could have been quite offensive.

Of course I told loads of people about this hilarity and was out done. One of my colleagues told me of a time when his secretary had to go into hospital to have a diseased kidney removed. On her return to the ward, she was just in time for a meal. What did they choose to serve this patient? Yes, you guessed it steak and kidney pie!!

Plummy

How has #1 managed to become so plummy?

The other day I was giving him a lift to the school bus on my way to work.

Me - Would you like to go to school today, or (trying to make it sound exciting)would you like to come to work with me instead?

#1 - School

Me- So you like school now then?

#1 - No, but given the choice between comming to work with you and sitting in a corner being quiet while you go into stupid meetings OR (big breath) going to school, I think I should rather go to school.

Me -Oh (laughing)

#1 - Why are you laaafing at me!!!

Sales Pitch

Credit where it's due, Ms Ms' recent post reminded me of this so I thought I'd share it.

Several months ago

The phone rings - It is tea time so I grab it first in case it's a sales call. I like to have fun with them, Mrs Boris just tells them to F off which I always think is such a waste.

Scouse Voice - Hello sir we are in your area and wondered if you would be interested in any replacement windows or doors?

Me - We don't have any windows thanks.

SV - How about a new door then?

Me - We don't have any doors.

SV - (Curious by now and perturbed) Where do you live then?

Me - In a cave.

SV - (Well off script now) So, how come you don't have doors and windows then?

Me - I just told you I live in a cave.

SV - So, no door then?

Me - No.

SV - Well, what do you have then?

Me - (Now I'm wondering where this will go) Well it's a cave, so just an entrace really.

SV - Would you like a porch on that?

Me - Thanks mate you've made my night. Good bye.

SV - You too, bye

So remember, all interactions with others can be fun if you let them be.

Mine are not so bad after all

Just read a blog on confessions of a psychotherapist about things one can do now which one wasn't allowed to do as a child which got me thinking about some of the stuff I did as a small child about the same age as my oldest child is now.

Firstly, I used to walk to and from school mostly by myself in those carefree days. I don't think my parents ever thought I was in any danger, or maybe they were just hopeful that some day I really would be taken. Anyway, it meant freedom of expression for me for 10 mins in the morning and 20 minutes in the afternoon (I ran in the morning to avoid being late).

One afternoon, on the way home I stopped at the shop and bought a drink, some crisps and some sweets. As I walked I stuffed my face with the solids and then as a car approached in the oncomming direction, I took a quick swig of drink and, as the car drew level, I pretended to be sick in the gutter. I had sufficient "spice" (yorkshire term) to do this to most of the cars all the way home - remember this was 35 years ago and there were few cars around. Great fun and a valuable practice for later in life as a pizza fueled drunk.

On another occasion, I walked all the way home with one eye shut. This was as an experiment to see (no pun intended) what it would be like to only have one eye. A new kid in school had just arrived and he had glasses AND an eye patch over one eye. I assumed he only had one eye and wondered at the waste of glass in his spectacles. I now kniow, he did infact have two eyes and one was patched to correct a "lazy" eye.

Anyway it was fun walking home with one eye shut and getting lots of sympathetic looks from passers by. The interesting thing about it was that if you only have one eye, people think that you can't see at all and that you are also deaf. As in blatent staring and comments which I could hear like "Oooh look at that poor little boy with only one eye".

So now as a dad myself I can see that my two are just fine really, so it's upto me to work harder at messing them up.